I Feel Shame

I worry about writing this. Even as I work through, confront, and reconcile with the realization that I compete with other women and other women compete with me, I worry. I fear that other women will say, “I have honestly never done that. I have never lessened my worth because of another woman, neither internally nor audibly.” What that says to me is: they am the ultimate woman, they possess the ability to set aside their ego at all times and first see worth and value in all persons. And whether I want it to become this in my head or not, it says to me; they are a better woman, they possess this ability that I do not, and they see what I wish I could see first.

When we state we do not do something that someone has stated they are not proud of, that aggressively invites a sense of shame. I like to think of shame as literal emotional energy. Energy in the sense that it can neither be created nor destroyed- I believe the same about shame. We force it upon someone else and it is forced upon us at times.

So how scary is it to think that shame has always been here and so it will never leave? I think it is up to us to hold a piece of it, but not let it hold us.

It feels strange to even imagine that other women compete with me, no woman has ever told me she would like to be able to do something I do until this past year. In 2018 I have had three different experiences of a woman stating she wishes she could do something I do and I honestly feel honored by that number.

Let’s take a quick moment to recognize how absurd that is, I feel honored that 3 women recognized what I am capable of or what I can do is valuable. They expressed an honest longing to be able to do that without belittling me. That happened 3 times this year (can I get a hand clap?) and I know many women who would say that they experience similar feelings.

“Our view of other women is not often a true image of who they are, but rather a distorted reflection of our truest selves.”

Uhm, why was that quote so honest? I do a lot of mirror work with myself and with clients. I have identified and actively recover through an eating disorder. I used to be confused at the pictures I saw of myself, she didn’t look like me, she wasn’t me, how can that be me? I can now comfortably stand in front of the mirror and look at myself for longer than a few seconds. I’ve learned to love myself, accept the care and support other women show to me, and compare myself to other women less.

The value of other women is their own entirely. How I see them, how I compliment them, see myself as less than because of them, or long to be them will never effect their worth. Their worth and my worth is entirely their own. I can honor women more, I can uplift women more, I can accept compliments more (without belittling them), and I can see women for the mysteriously power being that we are.

What do we see when we look at other women? We see someone we are not, and then something we could be, if we really cared about that stuff.

But what if we saw the work, the care, the attention, the struggle, the progress, the joy, and the grief. What if we started seeing women for all of those things, would we then begin to see it in ourselves?